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Dog Bong

GIDEON: Daddy, the dog needs a bong.
ME: Huh?
GIDEON: I think the dog needs a bong.
ME: You do, huh? Why do you think that?
GIDEON: He’s chewing on stuff. He needs a bong to calm down.
AMILIA: Kong, Gideon! It’s called a Kong!

Thank goodness that living with that boy for 9-years has taught me not to jump to conclusions!

Dictator

GIDEON: Daddy, is North Korea run by a dictator?

ME: Yes.

GIDEON: What does he do to his enemies?

ME: Like if someone speaks out against him, he makes them dig holes and break rocks.

GIDEON: What a waste! I can’t believe that.

ME: I know, right?

GIDEON: Yea! That dirt and those rocks could be put to good use! Why waste them on your enemies?

(That is not where I thought he was going.)

Nurse Maid

(Amilia is helping Gideon with his homework)

AMILIA: Gideon, pay attention! Stop goofing off and answer this question!

GIDEON: Amilia, you shouldn’t be so mean to me. Try nursing me instead.

AMILIA: Huh? What are you talking about?

GIDEON: You know, instead of being mean to me, you should be kind, and polite, and patience. Nurse me.

AMILIA: Nurturing, Gideon! It’s called nurturing!

GIDEON: Daddy, don’t get mad, but I failed an assignment today at school.

ME: What did you fail?

GIDEON: A word association test.

ME: How do you fail a word association test?

GIDEON: Well, the teacher said, “Winter,” and I said “Dead Pool.”

ME: Dead Pool? Why did you say, “Dead Pool.”?

GIDEON: Because when she said “Winter,” I thought of Winter Soldier, which made me think of Captain America, which made me think of The Avengers, Which made me think of the X-Men, and the letter X made me think of the alphabet, which made me think of alphabet soup, which made me think of chicken soup, which made me think of turkey soup, which made me think of Thanksgiving, which made made me think of Christmas, which made me think of Christmas Tree, which made think of Susie because she loves Christmas Trees, which made me think of Ronnie who sits next to her, which made me think of Dead Pool because he loves Dead Pool like me!

Too bad the teacher didn’t ask Gideon why he said Dead Pool. I would have loved to have seen her reaction to that train of thought!

Butter Sock

GIDEON: Daddy, can I pour milk in a sock?

ME: No. And why would you want to do that?

GIDEON: So I can shake the sock full of milk and make butter.

ME: And why would you want to do that?

GIDEON: So I can make a butter sock.

ME: And why do you want a butter sock?

GIDEON: So I can hit people who annoy me with it.

ME: And why don’t you just tell them stop?

GIDEON: Because some people just need the butter sock.

I’m pretty sure he got the butter sock idea from iCarly, but it’s still funny!

Tonight’s Gideonisms

#1 Yesterweek: Refers to last week like yesterday refers to last night. “Daddy, I hurt my leg yesterweek.”

#2 “Candy is dandy, but fruit makes you poop!” (I think he was channeling Ogden Nash on that one.)

Seedless

GIDEON (AGE 8): Daddy, I love these seedless oranges.

ME: I’m glad to hear that. But I have a question for you: Where do plants come from?

GIDEON: Seeds?

ME: Right! So if oranges are seedless, how do you get more oranges if there are no seeds to plant?

GIDEON: Simple. You just go to the store and get more!

ME: (Laughing.) We’ll you got me there. You’re just too smart for me.

GIDEON: I know that, Daddy. Everyone knows that.

Baby Sitting

GIDEON (AGE 8): Daddy, why are people who take care of babies called baby sitters if they don’t sit on babies?

ME: Hmmm. . . That’s a good question. I don’t know. What do you think?

GIDEON: I think they must have sat on babies in the old days.

Drivers’ Ed.

GIDEON (Age 8): Daddy, when can I start driving?

ME: After you take Driver’s Ed.

GIDEON: But that happens if he dies?

ME: If who dies?

GIDEON: Ed.

ME: Who’s Ed?

GIDEON: Driver’s Ed.

ME: Do you know what Driver’s Ed is?

GIDEON: Yea, he’s a really famous guy who teaches kids how to drive!

Loud Talker

(Amilia and Gideon are both sick)

GIDEON (Age 8): Amilia, how are you feeling?

AMILIA: Shhh…! Gideon do you have to talk so loud? I have a headache.

GIDEON: What? That’s just the way I talk, I can’t help it.

ME: Yea, Gideon is just a loud talker. There’s nothing wrong with that.

GIDEON: Unless I become a drug dealer. Then that wouldn’t work out so good because the cops would hear me: “HEY, BUDDY! DO YOU WANT TO BUY SOME MORPHINE? I HAVE SOME FOR SALE CHEAP! BUT DON’T TELL ANYONE!”

I’m laughing and concerned on so many levels.

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